While cleaning and culling through our shit stuff
I am coming across old writing, lots and lots of old writing. I’m not reading
much of it, if I did I’d never get anything done. I’m shifting the pile of file
boxes from way back in the corner, when we moved here twelve years ago, closer
to the attic door. One box was a little different.
Flipping open the lid my all too familiar
cursive caught my eye.
I’m a keyboard kind of girl, long
hand feels cumbersome and difficult to edit, so to see a bunch of legal pads
filled with writing kind of surprised me. What
the fuck heck is this, I thought.
I started to read.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Did I really write this?
I do not remember writing one
word.
My mother’s handwriting and mine are
were almost identical and she wrote long hand. Maybe this was hers. Nope. It
was mine, she spelled better. This was laden with misspellings. That’s why I
keyboard my stories, the trapped fifth grade teacher in my computer tells me when I fuck up spell a word wrong.
Before I got totally lost in the world of new
characters I decided to put the legal pad masterpiece back in the box and move on.
But wait.
There’s more.
Maybe it’s my long lost
bestseller with a backstory of its own to rival any treasure hunt.
I read another page.
Maybe putting it back in the box
is my way of fearing success.
I read another page.
Maybe.
But I do not recall the story or
the effort.
I closed the lid and taped it shut.
Once we move, and once I sort
through the boxes again, looking for something I cannot find, I’ll come across
the legal pad masterpiece, brew a cup of tea, sit and read and realize the truth
regarding my fiction and where it belongs.
Will I laugh or cry or will my
cheeks pink with the self-embarrassment of stupidity. Will I edit or shred?
Will I even remember it exists?
Did you ever discover writing you forgot you
wrote?
I have, and it is the most surreal feeling to read words, and not remember them, not know you must have written them. And to realise this writing gig really is part of you, that you've been doing it longer than you remember.
ReplyDeleteIt's innerving for sure.
DeleteLike when someone says you gave them life changing advice and you can barely recall their face and can't remember their name. That happened recently. I chalk it up to the many young women who have worked for me over the years and actually listened to what I said. Thank God I gave good advice.
Maybe forgetting makes room for us to create later.
Funny you should ask. It wasn't a discovery...my writing is still too fresh I suppose, to have any history. It was with my second book (the one that didn't go on sub)that I recently flipped through, and strangely, I barely remember writing the parts I read. It was written about 4 yrs ago, but it's been that long since I bothered to look at it. I'm glad you're keeping your stuff! I remember another post where you were considering dumping it.
ReplyDeleteYup, a little over a year ago, when we were considering selling, I came across some of the old stuff and wrote about it. That stuff I really didn't go through so to discover something I have no recollection of writing was really weird.
DeleteI was another person when I wrote the old stuff. It's amazing how we grow, not only as writers but as members of the club we call human.
I just discovered an article with recipes from something I posted on Pinterest. I'd forgotten I'd submitted stuff to a site I believe you referred me to: Divine Caroline. Actually re-reading it brought a smile to my face because it was the onset of creating my blog, Cooking On A Budget!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it wonderful to replay the origin of something which affects your life? That's why I loved working on my memoir/essay collection (way back when) because each piece had a story and each piece created fallout. I love that kind of stuff.
Delete