I don’t write to be famous, I don’t write to be known, I write because I am and I want to be read. How sad to fill a room with paintings no one sees or play music no one hears. Writing is talking without sound, singing without score and dancing without movement and yet, it is all of them. It is a solitary art conjured from thought and expressed by the need to communicate.

HEAD-SLAPS, SPEED-BUMPS and LIGHT-BULBS, one woman's WTF, oops and ah-ha moments of life.

They were published once, and as every writer knows, once is not enough.



Wednesday, January 21, 2015

A glossery of terms for writers


Glossary – a really lame dictionary.

Writer - a person who thinks they have something to say so they write it down and are afraid to have someone read it.

Fiction – brain drivel.

Non-fiction – brain drivel by an expert or by someone who claims they are an expert.

Memoir – a written document with the consensus that your boss will fire you, your friends will shun you, your family will disown you and your children will claim to be orphans. When it becomes a movie you will be tapped for loans or sued, by all of the above.

Novel – something clever built with a lot of words.

Short Story – something clever built with less words than a lot.

Cliché – a smartass use of someone else’s smartass phrase.

Spell check - the penicillin, Salk vaccine and morning after pill for all writers.

Punctuation – all the little marks writers use to convey speech patterns on paper.

            Period – the 28 day dot (.) to denote when the writer runs out of thought.

Question mark – do you think it is a hook with a dot (?) to denote when the writer doesn’t have an answer?

Exclamation point – a line with a dot (!) used sparingly to denote, really, really, and I mean really, exciting wow-words!

Comma – a tiny, little, itsy bitsy curve of a line (,) when the writer takes a big breath.

           Dash - that little line (-) right after the word dash.

Bold – this.

Italic – that.

Title – a royal’s preface.

Preface – what a writer really wants to say first-off but no one wants to read.

Plagiarism - stealing someone else’s drivel and calling it your own drivel.

Sentence – amount of time a writer spends in prison after stealing someone else’s drivel.

Agent – an all-in-one vice-principle, first-mate, heir to the throne, sentry/bouncer who can read really fast.

New York Times Bestseller List– The title of which an author wishes to have tattooed on their ass.

Oprah’s Book Club – like being the first to be picked for dodge-ball.

The End – this.

 

10 comments:

  1. Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvve!!!! This. :)

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  2. This is the best thing I've read all day. Oh wait, I've spent most of the day reading street signs. Okay, I'm promoting it to best thing I've read today and yesterday and possibly tomorrow.

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    1. Thanks Erica. Your comment is the best thing anyone has said to me today other than my boss saying, "sign here for your check."

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  3. Here’s a few more edited glossary terms.
    Query – a writer’s post-it bio combined with Tolstoy’s War and Peace as a Hallmark Card.
    No Response Means No – a Dear John letter lost in the mail.
    Form Rejection – a Dear John letter not lost in the mail.
    Personalized Rejection – if you lose weight and have breast implants John might ask you out.
    Publisher – a cross between Gutenberg’s main character and Walt Disney.
    The Call – when the phone lines are down, the cell phone is dead, your computer has a virus and it is at that very moment when you decide that writing sux and head for the tallest building in the city from which to throw yourself off of.
    Preposition – a word, which by its use at the end of sentence, illustrates a writer’s frustration such as, finding an oven in which to place one’s head in.
    Title Page – depending on the book’s sales, a birth certificate or obituary.

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  4. Ha! Hilarious! This reads like the perfect resume for this; "I weekly pitch myself as the writing love-child of Andy Rooney and Erma Bombeck. Not as acerbic as Andy and a bit more modern than Erma, I admire them as winking-paragons of realistic observation."

    Very creative. The few more you added - Lordy, you were on a roll! The personalized rejection? *wipes tears*

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    1. Thanks for stopping by.
      For the life of me I can't come up with anything for dangling participles that doesn't mention old boobs or balls.

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  5. Memoir - so true! I'm afraid even if I wrote fiction, my family and friends would see their lives and mine and I'd be just as screwed. My favorite - Oprah's Book Club! Hahaha! Yes!

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    1. Hey Jennine, here's one for you.
      Review
      A paragraph’s evaluation of that which took you a lifetime to complete.

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    2. BTW Jennine, regarding memoir, the people you profile in any light other than brilliant, they won't recognize themselves. The rest, they always know who they are. Write about the less than perfect, they're more interesting.

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