I don’t write to be famous, I don’t write to be known, I write because I am and I want to be read. How sad to fill a room with paintings no one sees or play music no one hears. Writing is talking without sound, singing without score and dancing without movement and yet, it is all of them. It is a solitary art conjured from thought and expressed by the need to communicate.

HEAD SLAPS, SPEED BUMPS and LIGHTBULBS, one woman's WTF, oops and ah-ha moments of life.

They were published once, and as every writer knows, once is not enough.

Friday, January 17, 2014

I am an AARP member living in a world run by Chuck E. Cheese patrons

Betty, the remarkable Mrs. Allen Ludden

A few days ago I posted this on FB. Thought I'd share this slightly edited version with my on-line writing friends.

When I turned forty I was ecstatic because I was finally considered an adult.  At fifty the over the hill jokes began but I just shrugged them off and was glad to still be around to laugh. At sixty, a switch flipped and my future began to dim; 100 watt incandescent light bulbs were being phased out. Then sixty-five, how did this happen so fast?  I don’t feel old all the time, only on the days I wake up. So how do you know when you’re getting old? 

Remember Rich Little the most amazing impressionist ever?  His Johnny Carson was the best. How about a few of MY quotes as if I were a famous humor-writer.
Here’s my Rich Little impressions of famous humorists.

Lewis Black - age is not a four letter word, it’s a five letter word beginning with FU.
Jeff Foxworthy – If you think you know Victoria’s Secret you just might be too old for your britches.
Erma Bombeck – That green grass growing over the septic tank is the mildew on the concrete slab over the cesspool behind the senior center.
Robert Fulghum – All I really need to know about aging I learned from my retirement specialist at KinderCare.
David Sedaris - Me talk pretty one day, after I get my hearing aid.
Johnny Carson as Carnac the Magnificent – the envelope please: Barbara Walters, Regis Philbin, Nancy Pelosi and Mick Jagger. Answer: who are the members of The Committee on Aging?
Joan Rivers – So you think looking this good is easy, just ask my surgeon, personal assistant, personal trainer, housekeeper, dog walker and pool boy. Especially ask the pool boy, he’s blind.
Mark Twain – If you don’t like your wrinkles just wait five minutes and you can tuck them under that turtleneck you have on; you’re wearing a T-shirt?  Sorry.
Whoopi Goldberg – At my age temporary water weight buildup is caused by Metamucil.
David Letterman – the ten signs of knowing when you’re getting old.
10. The Fonz is your mortgage specialist.
9. The only birthday card you got this year came in a long white envelope from Medicare.
8. For Christmas you got a bathtub with a door in it and a Life Alert necklace.
7. You traded your driver’s license for a Hurrycane.
6. You’ve gone from shopping the family planning section, to the personal care aisle.
5. Your exercise equipment is a bag of tennis balls as grippers for your walker.
4. Betty White still looks sexy.
3. Your knees once belonged to someone else.
2. A good night’s sleep is better than sex during Saturday Night Live, unless that’s what you call it.
And the number one sign of knowing when you’re getting old:
1. Dick Van Dyke is younger than you.

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