I'm not a leaner...yet

So…what is retirement really like?

And, have I retired from everything?
It’s awesome and no I have not.

In the middle of the day I see them in the super market, gray hair, or no hair, pushing a carriage with a grandchild in the seat. Or maybe there is no child and dinner and a snack in the seat portends of the rest of the day’s repast.

When I see a shopper bent over and leaning on the cart for support I wonder, do they really need the cart to hold them up and help them on their way, or have they always shopped that way. And, why do I analyze how they shop the way they do? Is my life so boring? Am I hyper-critical because I see myself that way years from now, months, next week or tomorrow?

I am not a leaner. I straighten up, walk tall and fast because I do not consider myself one of them yet. Yes, I may shop in the middle of the day, and yes, there is often a grandchild in the seat, and sometimes a second one walking along side me, or perched on the front of the cart like a hood ornament. Yup, I am one of them.

When we eloped, almost forty years ago, I loved being considered a member of the married club. Once we had children I relished being a card (and baby) carrying parent club member. Defined as, parent of a “toddler”, “teenager”, “college student”, and eventually “mother of the bride”, enrolled me in all the other clubs I’ve struggled through and thoroughly loved. The most recent, and cherished beyond words and feelings, is being a grandparent. It is much more than other grandparents have described to me.

Until our first grandbaby was born I only saw the generational gap, from the other side as a grandchild. My Nanas’ let me have ice cream when my mom said “no.” They told me I was beautiful even though I knew I was awkward and chubby. They told me I was smart when I felt stupid and didn’t have a clue what I was smart at.

My grandparents, (grandmothers in particular), filled in all the gaps my parents left open because mom and dad both worked and I was not an only child. It wasn’t until I became an adult, and my grandparents were gone, that I realized the importance of that generation’s existence in my life and how it influenced the person I have become today.

I am them.

The roll they played is now my roll.

Like them (for now anyway) I do not use anything to hold myself up. I’m a straight walker, straight talker and dish out platters of life lessons for the little ones to consume or discard.  Along with the time I am now blessed to have with them, to sometimes do nothing but sit and eat ice cream, I tell them how beautiful, handsome and smart they are. “Yes”, to another little toy, another cupcake, another movie and another handful of popcorn, even though mom and dad say “nope”, you’ve had enough. As best I can, I am filling in the gaps with more than just enough.

And what does this have to do with writing?  Nothing and everything.

Evelyn Wilkerson never had children, and yet, as a gray haired mid-sixties relic of the good life unexpectedly tossed onto the bottom rung, she fills in the gaps.

They say to write what you know about. I am not a leaner and neither is Evelyn.