A glossery of terms for writers

Glossary – a really lame dictionary.

Writer - a person who thinks they have something to say so they write it down and are afraid to have someone read it.

Fiction – brain drivel.

Non-fiction – brain drivel by an expert or by someone who claims they are an expert.

Memoir – a written document with the consensus that your boss will fire you, your friends will shun you, your family will disown you and your children will claim to be orphans. When it becomes a movie you will be tapped for loans or sued, by all of the above.

Novel – something clever built with a lot of words.

Short Story – something clever built with less words than a lot.

Cliché – a smartass use of someone else’s smartass phrase.

Spell check - the penicillin, Salk vaccine and morning after pill for all writers.

Punctuation – all the little marks writers use to convey speech patterns on paper.

            Period – the 28 day dot (.) to denote when the writer runs out of thought.

Question mark – do you think it is a hook with a dot (?) to denote when the writer doesn’t have an answer?

Exclamation point – a line with a dot (!) used sparingly to denote, really, really, and I mean really, exciting wow-words!

Comma – a tiny, little, itsy bitsy curve of a line (,) when the writer takes a big breath.

           Dash - that little line (-) right after the word dash.

Bold – this.

Italic – that.

Title – a royal’s preface.

Preface – what a writer really wants to say first-off but no one wants to read.

Plagiarism - stealing someone else’s drivel and calling it your own drivel.

Sentence – amount of time a writer spends in prison after stealing someone else’s drivel.

Agent – an all-in-one vice-principle, first-mate, heir to the throne, sentry/bouncer who can read really fast.

New York Times Bestseller List– The title of which an author wishes to have tattooed on their ass.

Oprah’s Book Club – like being the first to be picked for dodge-ball.

The End – this.