I am an AARP member living in a world run by Chuck E. Cheese patrons

Betty, the remarkable Mrs. Allen Ludden

A few days ago I posted this on FB. Thought I'd share this slightly edited version with my on-line writing friends.

When I turned forty I was ecstatic because I was finally considered an adult.  At fifty the over the hill jokes began but I just shrugged them off and was glad to still be around to laugh. At sixty, a switch flipped and my future began to dim; 100 watt incandescent light bulbs were being phased out. Then sixty-five, how did this happen so fast?  I don’t feel old all the time, only on the days I wake up. So how do you know when you’re getting old? 

Remember Rich Little the most amazing impressionist ever?  His Johnny Carson was the best. How about a few of MY quotes as if I were a famous humor-writer.

Here’s my Rich Little impressions of famous humorists.

Lewis Black - age is not a four letter word, it’s a five letter word beginning with FU.

Jeff Foxworthy – If you think you know Victoria’s Secret you just might be too old for your britches.

Erma Bombeck – That green grass growing over the septic tank is the mildew on the concrete slab over the cesspool behind the senior center.

Robert Fulghum – All I really need to know about aging I learned from my retirement specialist at KinderCare.

David Sedaris - Me talk pretty one day, after I get my hearing aid.

Johnny Carson as Carnac the Magnificent – the envelope please: Barbara Walters, Regis Philbin, Nancy Pelosi and Mick Jagger. Answer: who are the members of The Committee on Aging?

Joan Rivers – So you think looking this good is easy, just ask my surgeon, personal assistant, personal trainer, housekeeper, dog walker and pool boy. Especially ask the pool boy, he’s blind.

Mark Twain – If you don’t like your wrinkles just wait five minutes and you can tuck them under that turtleneck you have on; you’re wearing a T-shirt?  Sorry.

Whoopi Goldberg – At my age temporary water weight buildup is caused by Metamucil.

David Letterman – the ten signs of knowing when you’re getting old.

10. The Fonz is your mortgage specialist.

9. The only birthday card you got this year came in a long white envelope from Medicare.

8. For Christmas you got a bathtub with a door in it and a Life Alert necklace.

7. You traded your driver’s license for a Hurrycane.

6. You’ve gone from shopping the family planning section, to the personal care aisle.

5. Your exercise equipment is a bag of tennis balls as grippers for your walker.

4. Betty White still looks sexy.

3. Your knees once belonged to someone else.

2. A good night’s sleep is better than sex during Saturday Night Live, unless that’s what you call it.

And the number one sign of knowing when you’re getting old:

1. Dick Van Dyke is younger than you.