A glossary of terms for writers (UPDATED)

 

 For the New Year I have resurrected and updated my

GLOSSARY OF TERMS FOR WRITERS 

 

Glossary – a really lame dictionary.

Writer - a person who thinks they have something to say so they write it down even though they are afraid to have someone read it.

Fiction – brain drivel.

Non-fiction – brain drivel by an expert or by someone who claims to be an expert.

Memoir – a written document with the consensus that your boss will fire you, your friends will shun you, your family will disown you and your children will claim to be orphans. When it becomes a movie you will be tapped for loans or sued, by all of the above.

Novel – clever untruths built with a lot of words.

Short Story – clever untruths built with less words than a lot.

Essay – clever truths. Less words interesting. A lot of words boring.

Cliché – a smartass use of someone else’s smartass phrase.

Spell check - the penicillin, Salk vaccine and morning after pill for all writers.

Edit - leaving the fancy outfit on the floor for the perfect jeans and T.

Punctuation – all the little marks writers use to convey speech patterns on paper.

Period – the 28 day dot (.) to denote when the writer runs out of thought.

Question mark – do you think it is a hook with a dot (?) to denote when the writer doesn’t have an answer?

Exclamation point – a line with a dot (!) used sparingly to denote, really, really, and I mean really, exciting wow-words!

Comma – a tiny, little, itsy bitsy curve of a line (,) when the writer takes a big breath.

Dash - that little line (-) right after the word “dash” that most writers don’t know when to use.

Preposition – a word, which by its use at the end of sentence, illustrates a writer’s frustration such as, finding an oven in which to place one’s head in.

Bold – this.

Italic – that.

Title - a royal’s preface.

Preface – what a writer really wants to say first-off which no one wants to read.

Title Page – depending on sales, a birth certificate or obituary.

Plagiarism - stealing someone else’s drivel and calling it your own drivel.

Sentence – amount of time a writer spends in prison after stealing someone else’s drivel.

Agent – a writer’s love/hate all-in-one vice-principle, first-mate, heir to the throne, sentry/bouncer who reads really fast.  

New York Times Bestseller List– If your book is on it you will have the title tattooed on your ass.

Oprah’s Book Club – like being the first to be picked for dodge-ball.

Oprah’s Book Club Update - Is there still an Oprah’s book club.

Query – a writer’s post-it bio combined with Tolstoy’s War and Peace as a Hallmark Card.

No Response Means No – a Dear John letter lost in the mail.

Form Rejection – a Dear John letter not lost in the mail.

Personalized Rejection – if you lose weight and have breast implants John might ask you out.

Publisher – a cross between God with a small “g” and your freshman English teacher.

The Call – comes when phone lines are down, your cell phone is dead, your computer has a virus and the garbage truck runs over your mailbox.

Publishing Deal – comes moments before you decide that writing is a sucky waste of time and head for the tallest building in the city from which to throw yourself off of.

The End - this.